Do you remember everything the way I do? Do you remember when you came & hung out with me that one time? You came over at like 12 something maybe a little earlier & stayed till like late at night with me. Do you remember taking my drink, & drinking it like it was yours from the beginning? Do you remember tickling me to death because, I kept poking your sides? Do you remember just staring at when while I was laughing, because I could see you just staring while tickling me... It was an amazing thing to see... Do you remember throwing the blanket over me & then like laying on top of it so I couldn't get out, & when I came out gasping you asked if I was ok.. Do you remember pulling me into your chest when I layed down beside you to watch the movies? Do you remember cuddling to horror movies that night. Do you remember when I fell asleep on your chest & arm & I kept talking to you half asleep & you kept chuckling? Do you remember right before you left, I was asleep on the bed or somewhat asleep & you jumped on my back & hugged me tightly.. Do you remember when you first got there, you ran up behind me, grabbed my ass & then acted like nothing happened? Because, that was one of my favorite days i've had in a while... It was spent with you for the longest time.. You're so perfect & i'm so madly in love with you.. I wish you understood but, you're not talking to me right now & honestly I have no clue why... I hope I didn't do anything to upset you... But, I thought one other time that I was in love but, now I realized that was the wrong thought because, i'm in love with YOU. Nobody else... & how I know i'm in love with you is because, i'm so hurt to the point when I go to cry nothing comes out.. so I stare at my ceiling with depressing music blaring out of my speakers lost in space, while my heart is shattering into millions of pieces knowing you're not talking to me right now... You've left me on seen & you don't understand how much it hurt to see that... It broke me even more, you know that right? I'm so depressed because, of it. You know that right? Have you ever felt so much fucking pain & depression to a point where you're looking at yourself in the mirror & suddenly you imagine you're slitting your throat or wrist..? Do you get day dreams of ways you could die.. Or you getting killed or even killing yourself? Because, when you do this stuff that's how I get.. But, do you remember at work? When you got in the costume & ran over to me & bounced your ass on me to a rock song. Do you remember wiping that blood on my face & getting it in my hair. Do you remember just staring at me as you walked up to the counter thing to get placed? Because, I do. & honestly, when you stare I can't look away.. It's like i'm in some horrid trans. You have a huge affect on me & I don't understand how... Sometimes at night.. I lie wide awake drenched in sweat... I always bury my face in my pillow, as i'm trying to catch my breath.. My throat feels dry, & my voice is wrecked from all the choked sobs & screaming I do from my nightmares... But, you don't know that happens do you... Well it does & it is terrible... when I fell asleep on you that one time that was the best i've slept in a while... It was so peaceful & perfect... now tell me what did I do wrong? I know i'm not pretty enough. I know i'm not skinny enough... I know there is so much better out there but, why would you lie? You told me you only wanted me. You told me I was your one & only? What happened to that... Oh btw, while you're out all happy & all that half the time i'm in my bed crying, scrolling through our messages wishing things were back to how they were because, I was so happy.. Now I have to force my smiles. I have to force my life.. I force myself to be ok... It's a cruel fucked world & I wish I could end it all but, it would make me feel bad because, do you remember what you said? "I'm not leaving you.. Please don't do it again" yeah.. Remember that lie? It haunts me every time I go to do it.. I don't get why... but, for you I don't hurt myself & do you know how hard that is? Wanna know what else is hard? Knowing I opened up to you at one point. Knowing I told you everything, & now i'm sitting here waiting for a message back from you but, it's saying I got left on seen... One thing I know is you won't see this because, I don't have enough guts to show or tell you how much pain i'm feeling deep down inside me... how am I supposed to tell people i'm depressed? How am I supposed to tell my parents that they have a depressed broken daughter who wants to fucking kill herself? How can I tell them i'm in love with someone who makes me so happy but, hasn't messaged me? How am I gonna tell all the people that I talk to that i'm depressed & fucked up. That i'm shattered & broken? Oh wait, I don't. I can't because, then they worry about me & they don't need too because, then they stress. I don't get it. It's all heart breaking & stupid.. I just wanna disappear for a little bit.. Just not tell anyone where i'm going or anything.. Maybe then I could be ok.. But, come to think about it, the distance from you kills... You kill me.. .You are the poison to my heart... . I'm nothing to worry about though. I'm nothing important at all... I never will be... I just wish you would realize how much I care & love you... I would do anything for you.. I made sure you had cigs. I made sure you were ok.. I let you know I was there if you needed to rant.. Yes, I got jealous over girls but, that's because, I've seen how many heart reactions you get.. I see how many girls like your crap.. It's hard not too... You're mine... I don't want to see that shit... You're my world. My other half.. My love. My best friend... & no matter what we both know I can't leave... one simple text from you & i'd immediately reply to you as fast as I can because, you just cause that... I love you so much though.. You were my galaxy... You made everything go away.. You were my home... In your arms was where I felt safe.... & I couldn't tell people that because, they wouldn't understand.. I'm to the point where i'm now crying though.. The tears are streaming down my face & I can barely see what i'm typing.. I know you won't see this but, just know i'll always be waiting no matter what... Goodbye....
