Notes

This essay is about who I am. My name is Klyde Blythe Mkaine Garcia, Born in December 27, 2005, who is now living in the Province of Cavite. As a teenager there are a lot of identity crisis going on in my life asking myself, "Do I look good? Are people laughing at me? Am I doing good enough." These are just a few phrases that I say inside my head which really affects me from day to day living, I feel like everyday for me is very awkward and I feel like everyone is laughing at me and judging me. Maybe my social anxiety all started when I was bullied online and in real life even some of my relatives. When I got fatter they told me to stop eating less and be more lean and just eat enough food servings, but when I started losing weight they told me to gain more weight and eat more food. This is just a perfect example that we really can't please everyone. And of course my social anxiety didn't stop there, I developed symptoms of depression but was too afraid to even tell my mom what I feel because I know that she'll be heartbroken, and I don't want her to feel that way. Instead of telling my mom what I feel as a coping mechanism, I hurt myself as a coping mechanism, it was a really hard time for me that time when I felt like the world is against me and no one cares about me, but when times I feel like giving up, every time I look at my mom or to the people that genuinely loves me, I find more reason to hold on and not to give up, at that point in my life I felt like I wasn't even living because I want to live and pursue my dreams, there is a time where I'm so unselfish and don't care if I die or live to the point that I'm no longer living for myself but for other people's benefits. It’s often said that depression isn’t about feeling sad. It’s part of it, of course, but to compare the life-threatening symptoms of depression to normal sadness is like comparing a paper cut to an amputation. Sadness is a healthy part of every life. Depression progressively eats away your whole being from the inside. It’s with you when you wake up in the morning, telling you there’s nothing or anyone to get up for. It’s with you when the phone rings and you’re too frightened to answer it. It’s with you when you look into the eyes of those you love, and your eyes prick with tears as you try, and fail, to remember how to love them. It’s with you as you search within for those now eroded things that once made you who you were: your interests, your creativity, your inquisitiveness, your humor, your warmth. And it’s with you as you wake terrified from each nightmare and pace the house, thinking frantically of how you can escape your poisoned life; escape the embrace of the demon that is eating away your mind like a slow drip of acid. And always, the biggest stigma comes from yourself. You blame yourself for the illness that you can only dimly see. So why was I depressed? The simple answer is that I don’t know. There was no single factor or trigger that plunged me into it. I’ve turned over many possibilities in my mind. But the best I can conclude is that depression can happen to anyone. I thought I was strong enough to resist it, but I was wrong. I realized that the only solution to depression is Jesus Christ and no one else, I didn't know how much I needed Him till my mom told me more about Him on December 29, 2021 the year and date I got saved, the moment I got saved I felt a sudden relief and realization that all of my problems doesn't really matter because I realized that it was just a testing of a lifetime and I realized this world isn't actually my only home but in Heaven I really thank my mom because, because of her I found something valuable to hold to in life.