Notes

idk how to explain how im feeling rn, my life has rlly changed ever since my dad passed away and i rlly miss him more than anything. this year has been kinda shit and idk if i can rlly take it. i always say imma kms but im rlly not its not rlly joking tho, everyone always asks me if im ok and all i rlly say is "its confusing" but its rlly not i just dont feel like telling them how i feel. even if i trust them idrk if i have enough courage to tell them how i feel bc i don't want them to feel bad for me. i hate wehn ppl feel bad for me and idk why. i remeber my dads funeral like it was yesterday and i wish i don't bc that was the hardest day of my 13 years of living. like bro i was only 12 and i still had time to know my dad and be with him. i took him for granted and i wish i didnt bc i regret that a lot and feel the guilt in me every since day. i hate how i only have my mom left. my mom isnt always the best to me and my brothers, especially jesse. i don't like my brother jesse but my mom has done and said some rlly messed up shit to him and hes only a kid. i felt bad for him at my dads funeral bc he sat by himself and cried by himslef he always acted like he was tough and he was okay but ik for a fact he wasn't. i miss my dad a lot he loved us with all he had and he actually showed unlike my mom. my dad did have his bad days but they were never like my moms. i apprciated the fact that he took me and my brothers feelings into consideration and that he cared for us like there was nothing left in the world for him. when i saw him sick with tubes everywhere on him when he was in the icu