Notes

I haven't said this in 5 years but its some thing that happens every time we fight or have a problem and I'm choosing to say it not because I really cant take it anymore, its become too much. I haven't said it because it will really affect our entire friendship and I don't know if you'll understand me and I know you'll be hurt by what I have to say but I have to because I've held it in for so long.

I hate our dynamic. when were good and when were not fighting its amazing and were supporting each other and were being best friends and I value that so much, but when we fight or even when I upset you with one little thing or if I get upset at you everything

You get standoffish and you don't tell me what's wrong until I approach you and when then you wont tell me until I grovel and when I listen and you tell every thing give done wrong you don't accept my reasons or mannerism and I feel that if I don't beg for your forgiveness you will permanently stop talking to me.

now I've considered if maybe this is maybe a me problem but the more I've thought about it I realized that I genuinely afraid of even confronting you with anything or even saying no when I don't want to do something for you or give up something for your sake because I feel like you use your friendship against me. also must like a weapon any bother or lack of gratitude I may feel for you could result in me losing my best friend.

I realize this is harsh but its honest how I've always felt. I feel like I care for you way for than you've ever for me and I hurts me that everything me we have a fight or have a problem you don't approach me and try to remedy it but rather ignore me or barley speak to me until I beg of you tell me.

Also there are things that I do for you because I used to believe that you'd do the same for me but now I've acknowledged that you just wouldn't and maybe that's my fault for offering more than you'll contributing but I cant see how a friendship can survive on that. With me not giving and you not giving it doesn't work.

This suffocates me and I feel like I cant really be myself around you because any small mistake will lead to me hearing about through Aaron or Aileen or whoever and then me having to considerably apologize even though I may not necessarily feel like its all my fault.

I'm sorry for springing this on you and I know it hurtful but I cant anymore. I'm tired and hurt. I don't expect you to have a response right now and I would want to talk about this after the college tour after the initial shock has subsided so you can really tell me how you feel about this.