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why the fuck am i like this. i literally push away everyone that i love or care about just because i dont think i deserve to be loved and it always results in me being alone. maybe i deserve this though. i mean why wouldnt i? im a terrible person and i honestly dont even deserve to be alive. this is all my fault. everything bad that happens is my fault. i dont think even god loves me. why would he honestly? id be so much better off if i never got close to people, i just end up getting hurt and i only have myself to blame because i never fucking know what i want. but honestly after all the shit i put up with i dont just fucking leave people like they do to me.i hate myself so much. if i was even half way good enough this wouldnt happen and i could actually let myself be happy for once. this is probably the 5th time this has happenes and i dont know whats wrong with me. what the fuck is wrong with me. why is it impossible for the people i love to care about me enough to stay? why am i still here. how did i get so messed up and why am i so obsessed with myself that i cant stop wallowing in my own self pity to look up and enjoy life. there are so many beautiful and wonderful things and i dont deserve any of them. i dont know why im addicted to saddness, but i do know that its probably going to take a lot more than last time for me to be okay again. what gives him the fucking right to just walk out of my life like that after all the shit i put up with. i was a bitch though. its my fault. shit. this always fucking happens. i wish i was dead. i didnt know my body produced this many tears and to be perfectly honest i didnt ever wanna know but here i am.

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