Notes

Ness [Spoken]:
September 1st, First Day of Brawl. Dear Diary: I believe I'm a good person.
Ya know, I think there's good in everyone, but here we are first day of Smash Bros Brawl.
I look around at all these kids I've known all my life and I ask myself: What happened?

Smashers:
Freak! Slut! Burnout! Bug-eyes! Poser! Lard-ass!

Ness:
We were so tiny, happy and shiny, attacking and getting chased.

Smashers:
Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus!

Ness:
Singing and clapping,
taunting and napping,
baking cookies, eating paste.

Smashers:
Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

Ness:
Then we got bigger.
That was the trigger,
Like the Huns invading Rome -

[Spoken] Sorry!

Welcome to my school,
This ain't no high school:
This is the School of Smash.
Hold your breath
and count the days,
we're leaving this place soon.

Smashers:
White trash!

Ness:
The break will be paradise
If I'm not dead by June!
But I know, I know, life can be beautiful.
I pray, I pray for a better way.
If we changed back then,
we could change again.
We can be beautiful...


Toon Link [Spoken]:
Ow!

Ness:
Just not today.
[Spoken] Hey, are you okay?

Toon Link:
Get away, nerd.

Smashers:
Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! Homo! Homo!

Ness:
Things will get better
soon as my letter
comes from The next smashing game.
Wake from this coma,
take my diploma,
so I can blow this town.
Dream of my ivy-covered walls
and smoky French cafes...

C. Falcon [Spoken]:
Watch it!

Ness:
Fight the urge to strike a match and send this game ablaze!


C. Falcon:
Ooooops.

Ness [Spoken]:
Captain Falcon. Third year as linebacker.
And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and BEING A HUGE DICK.

C. Falcon:
What did you say to me shrimp?

Ness:
... Nothing.

All:
But I know, I know, I know...
Life can be beautiful.
I pray, I pray, I pray
For a better way.
We were kind before;
we can be kind once more.
We can be beautiful...


Ness:
Agh!... Hey Nana.

Nana:
Hey.


Ness:
Nana Iceheart. My girlfriend since Melee.

Nana:
We on for movie night?

Ness:
Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

Nana:
I rented "The Princess Bride."

Ness:
Again? Don't you have it memorized by now?

Nana:
What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Mewtwo:
Nana Dumpheart! Wide load! Honnnnnk!

Ness:
Mewtwo. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team.
Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.
(Furious, to Mewtwo) Hey! Pick that up right now!

Mewtwo:
I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

Ness:
Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend.
You're a Smasher has-been waiting to happen. A future Pokémart attendant.

Mewtwo:
... You have a bruise right there...

All:
(Variously)
Dear diary: why....
TL: Why do they hate me?
Lucas: Why don't I fight back?
Link: Why do I act like such a creep? ( Why....)
Jigglypuff: Why won't he date me?
Fox: Why did I hit him?
Pikachu: Why do I cry myself to sleep? ( Why....)

All:
Somebody hug me!
Somebody fix me!
Somebody save me!
Send me a sign, God!
Give me some hope here!
Something to live for!

(The three "princesses" enter.)

Smashers:
Ah!... Heather, Heather, and Heather!

Ness:
[Spoken.] Then there's the princesses. They float above it all.

Smashers:
(Repeating.) I love Heather, Heather, and Heather.

Ness:
Princess Peach. Head cheerleader. Her dad's loaded - he sells engagement rings.

Smashers:
I hate Heather, Heather, and Heather!

Ness:
Princess Zelda. Runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants.

Smashers:
I want Heather, Heather, and Heather!

Ness:
And Samus Aran. The Almighty.

Smashers:
I need Heather, Heather, and Heather...

VERONICA:
She is a mythic bitch.