Notes

Dear mom.

I seen this on t.v and I thought this might help how I feel. all though I don't know if you can even see what I wright to you. there is so much that I need to say and I know I do so im hoping the words just come to me. lets start out with saying that I miss you a lot and I cant believe you left. that was one of the hardest days of my life letting you go. we may of had hard times and I know you did not agree with a lot of my choices in life. I mean you tried so many times to sabotage them. I mean I felt a lot of love from you but I also felt a lot of anger. I mean I cant tell you how many times you tried to ruin me. or how you tried to have my kids took from me and you never said you was sorry or even admitted to me that you done it but I knew it was you or had some part in it. I know In not perfect and I also said some things in all reality I would have never done that to you. because I loved you so much I tried my hardest to take care of you to help you. as you done the same for me so many times. I still have a lot of pain after your death and some times I don't know how to handle it. also something I need to get off my chest is that I lied for you so many times. I lied for you to the cops when you cornered betty I lied for you to Amanda I lied for you so many times. I was always there for you. because I thought I had to I thought I needed you to take care of me. because I always thought I could not do it my self. and you never tried to make me feel any different. I mean im not perfect I have done some bad stuff in my life I made mistakes. I went though life thinking I was not good enough for you and Charles like I was a disappointment to yall. but I always loved you and I always will. now I don't know whats is wrong with me I feel as if my life is going to crash. im poor my kids sometimes seem to hate me and I know that's my falt but it did not help none that you always talked bad about me and Roy to our children. though my life you talked so bad about me you had so many people looking down on me and it was not all you dad did it too but you naver said you was sorry. but I still love you mom I still need you mom. I still don't know if im going to make it on my own. lets face it there is going to have to be one hell of a change for me to get my life back in order now. I feel like m always going to have a hard life. and I feel bad because my kids have to go though it as well. I mean I try to be a mom but they need better that I don't have the money to give. you always told me I needed a better house and I agree with that that I need to start getting then better stuff and I try but its hard with as little money as we have. I know that im not the only reson for this life being the way it is but I cant help but feel most of the presser from it. you died and I still want to ask you fro help I just want to cry out help me mom help me but I know you cant. I know you love me but when you was here and when I was younger you really never showed it. you always seemed to push me away when I was younger. I tried to hug on you an a lot of the time you just pushed me away. You et Charles but us though hell an you sometimes to then got mad when we rebelled. I lied on hime a lot just because I wanted him to feel the pain he was doing to us but he always won with you. all the things he done behind your back and u thought of us as the liars. mom you had sex with men for money we seen that. you and Charles done so many drugs and we seen that too. playing strip poker in the kitchen with other people yeah I seen that too. then you got mad at me when I tried drugs you got mad at me when I found comfort and love in men. you talked so much trash about me but yet you done o much more then me you done more horrific things then I ever thought of. but yet your kids were such a disappoint to you. sorry mom I don't mean to do this but I feel I need to get this off my chest. did you love us. when we were younger I loved you I tried to take care of you I was there for you a lot. you was there for me at the end but you done a lot of bad to... I still love you mom I still need you mom I don't care about all that any more I just miss you do you miss us. what was you thinking of befpr you past did you here me talking to you. did you here what I said. im sorry I did tell the docs you was addicted to pain meds you was mom. and I thought that is what was killing you and I still think it kinda did. are you looking over us mom I wish I knew you can see this I hope you know how much I love you. im sorry for being a disappointment mom I wish I was a better kid I do. but I did try momma. I wish you was still here I hate not talking to you on the phone or comeing to see you. I miss you mom I miss your voice. I wish I can see your face again. I love you mom I miss you mom I need you I want to talk to you mom. I don't want to let you go but I have to.. love you miss you good bye mom love always Alicia faye.