Notes

always wondered why depressed people don't at least try to just talk to their friends - now i understand they might as well not exist during this i mean they are nice and fun but imagine any person trying to actually seriously help i mean what are you going to do say "its okay" "you're a good person" no one cares youre talking to a brick wall of depression i cant hear any of that properly its just filler. i've been having crying fits for months, i've thought about suicide and googled all the reasons why drinking bleach isn't going to work for a suicide method, considered why i don't have any rooftops near me to jump from or busy roads i could jump into. i despise this constant thing of going from fine or happy to feeling like a sack of shit ready to be thrown out why can't i just be one of these at a time why does every good moment have to be ruined by seemingly nothing. school is a joke, school work is a joke, talking to most of the people in my life makes me want to rip my eyes out because they clearly have something better to do. sharing my feelings with anybody is a joke because no one wants to be depressed or have someone depressed in their life for too long. i hate smiling - fuck off jesus christ its so rare that i smile genuinely just a joke how i have to cover everything up because it doesnt feel like theres anyone there. i don't want to be distanced because of this i want to still be here but i also want help but i can't get any because the rest of me doesn't actually want to. i'm constantly digging a hole with the same thoughts