Notes

CHARLIE

I wanna win the chocolate factory



MRS BUCKET

Charlie you aren’t gonna win shit just give up stop spending all our money on candy bars



CHARLIE

Mom why are you like this



MRS BUCKET

Cheer up charlie



CHARLIE

Literally fuck off



(CANDY MAN CART)



CANDY MAN

Anyone care for a cream pie?



(outside the bucket shack)



MR BUCKET

I am sad



CHARLIE

Why are u sad dad



MR BUCKET

Your moms been prostituting again. Last night i found her in bed with a drag queen named tequila mockingbird



CHARLIE

I’m sorry dad



MR BUCKET

Thanks



CHARLIE

No im sorry that i dont actually care lol sike



MR BUCKET

We should’ve aborted you



CHARLIE

Think positive



MR BUCKET

Im positive we should’ve aborted you



(BUCKET SHACK)



MRS. BUCKET

Charlie be a doll and grab mommy another vodkatini



CHARLIE

Mom why are you like this



MRS. BUCKET

Fuck you charlie



CHARLIE

I know you want to haha



MRS. BUCKET

What the actual fuck



CHARLIE

I just want you to love me



MRS. BUCKET

Honestly charlie i don’t think i could ever love you but right now i could at least tolerate you if you would go and get me another vodka fucking tini



CHARLIE

Mom



MRS. BUCKET

Charlie



CHARLIE

Why are you like this



MRS. BUCKET

Ok charlie if i don’t see a vodkatini in my hand in 3 seconds you’re going to the adoption agency



CHARLIE

Mom how much have you had to drink



MRS. BUCKET

A lot



CHARLIE

No mom be specific how much do you have to drink on a regular basis



MRS. BUCKET

Well, not much. I mean, I'll have a glass and a half of wine at lunch. Then, nothing like an ice cold zima when the sun's setting. Zinfandel spritzers while I'm cooking dinner for the family. Red, not white. Several gin and tonics with my evening meal, which take me straight into dessert and some delicious cherry wine. Then I'll curl up with the latest issue of O Magazine and half a bottle of scotch. Then, a quick shot of whiskey before bed so my dreams are peculiar and nice. Come morning, I can hardly get out of bed without a spicy Bloody Mary—Can you blame me, señor, I like the bite, cha cha! Then a couple of wine coolers, two, three, in the mid-morning for energy, zappo! And what do you know we're back at lunch, and it means wine time in my book.



CHARLIE

Mom you’re literally an alcoholic



MRS. BUCKET

Charlie i didn’t get this body from drinking water



(WONKA FACTORY)



WONKA

I am Willy Wonka (shows golden ticket) welcome to my factory



CHILDREN

we are here



WONKA

Welcome small child friends and such



CHILDREN

tour us please



WONKA

Ok



AUGUSTUS

how many rooms



WONKA

At least 2



AUGUSTUS

Cool



WONKA

(gestures to a door)

This is my playroom



CHILDREN

We want to play



WONKA

Come play with me



(WONKA TOUCHES CHARLIE)



WONKA

Charlie have you been a good boy



CHARLIE

Um mr wonka im not comfortable with this



WONKA

Have you been a good boy charlie



CHARLIE

Mr wonka please can we just finish the tour



WONKA

No charlie you gotta tell me, have you been a good boy



CHARLIE

Mr wonka please can we just.. Can we just go to the next room or something



WONKA

Charlie i need you to listen to me this is important


CHARLIE

okay mr wonka what is it



WONKA

Have sex with me charlie



CHARLIE

What no-



WONKA

Charlie you dont understand we have to



CHARLIE

Why would i have to have sex with you mr wonka i just wanted to get some chocolate



WONKA

Charlie you can have the chocolate after we do it right here, right here in the- in the chocolate river



CHARLIE

Look mr wonka i appreciate the offer and stuff but i dont think i should do this



WONKA

Charlie people will die



CHARLIE

What do you mean people will-



WONKA

People will die charlie doesnt that matter to you? Dont you care charlie? About the people? Who will die? About the children? Who… will also die



CHARLIE

Grandpa please help



GRANDPA JOE

Charlie just have sex with the man



CHARLIE

Grandpa why



GRANDPA JOE

I hear he has a weed room



AUGUSTUS

Mr wally I’m hungry i want to eat the chocolate



AUGUSTUS’S MOM

Augustus your fat ass is always hungry eat a fucking carrot



AUGUSTUS

No mom i want to eat the chocolate



WONKA

DO NOT EAT WINKO CHOCOLATE



AUGUSTUS

I ate your chocolate mr. winko



WONKA

(shoots him) DEATH



CHARLIE

You just killed a child



WONKA

Naughty children come to mr wanky for death



(GUM ROOM)



WONKA

This is my gum room



VIOLET

I like guns



WONKA

What no my gum room



VIOLET

Oh well that’s not as fun



WONKA

Do you want the gum or not


VIOLET

Yeah sure



WONKA

This is big long gum forever



VIOLET

Give it to me



WONKA

(handing her the gum) no



VIOLET

I love gum



MIKE

Won’t that gum like make her explode or something



WONKA

No the exploding gum is over there, this one’s just gum that lasts forever



VIOLET

Do you have any guns



VERUCA

If violet doesn’t die then where is the story going



WONKA

Shit you’re right



(WONKA HOLDS A CHLOROFORM RAG TO VIOLET’S MOUTH)



GRANDPA JOE

Why are you killing these children wangbis



WONKA

Because



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



CHARLIE

Mr grandpa man do you want to steal these drinks with me



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



CHARLIE

We fly



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



CHARLIE

We are going to die



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



CHARLIE

Nothing phases you eh



GRANDPA JOE

Sometimes i have vietnam flashbacks



CHARLIE

Ok… let’s get back to the group



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



(SQIRREL ROOM- ROOM FILLED WITH MUTATED SQUIRRELS)



WONKA

Where were u



CHARLIE

Doin stuff



VERUCA

Are those sqirrels



SQIRREL

I am a sqirrel


MIKE

That does not look like a sqirrel



SQIRREL

Trust me



WONKA

Trust him



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



VERUCA

I want sqirrel



WONKA

Have sex with me



VERUCA

What



WONKA

What



VERUCA

So can i have a sqirrel or not



WONKA

No



VERUCA

Well why the fuck not



WONKA

Because i need them



VERUCA

Why would you need this many sqirrels



WONKA

They suit my needs



VERUCA

What needs



WONKA

You could suit my needs too



VERUCA

What



WONKA

What



VERUCA

I want a sqirrel now



WONKA

(Shooting her multiple times) Bad nut



SQIRREL

Deez nuts



MIKE

YOU ARE NOT A SQIRREL



SQIRREL

Trust me



MIKE

Is that a tv



WONKA

Ya



MIKE

Put me in it



WONKA

(offscreen) Ok



MIKE

(in the tv) look at me



MIKES MOM

Mr whiskers u shrunk my son



WONKA

(in the middle of chugging vodka) STRETCH HIM



MIKE

(OFFSCREEN) my dick is so small



MR WONKAS OFFICE



GRANDPA JOE

Is it true you have a weed room



WONKA

Are you a fed



GRANDPA JOE

No



WONKA

Then yes



CHARLIE

Do i win the tour mr washcloth



WONKA

No



CHARLIE

Why



WONKA

Because



CLOSE UP OF WONKAS FACE



WONKA

YOU STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS

GET OUT OF MY FACTORY



GRANDPA JOE

Ok



CHARLIE

Sorry mr walrus



WONKA SHOOTS CHARLIE



GRANDPA JOE

So about that weed room



THE WEED ROOM



(WONKA AND GRANDPA JOE SMOKING IT UP IN THE WEED ROOM WITH SNOOP DOGG- SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND)